Terry and I met at work. I was the secretary and travel coordinator and he was a robotic engineer. I like to say I chased him shamelessly and he was happy to let me!! HIs position was one that caused him to travel regularly and my position allowed me multiple opportunities to keep in touch with him. We started out with friendly emails that turned into phone calls and eventually spending every other weekend together the two times a month he was home from being on the road. We dated for a year and a half when he finally asked me to marry him. We’d been through some intense situations that allowed me to see what a committed and devoted person he was and allowed him to know that I truly would stick by his side through almost everything.
We had a short engagement and married four months later on a beautiful October Day. I was giddy with excitement to truly be able to call him MY TERRY and it would be legally as well as emotionally true.
Throughout our marriage we lived and loved each other with intention. I recall early on having a conversation where he said to me that he didn’t want to be blindsided when I was upset with him. To let him know early on if something was bothering me, and that he was “like a radio - he needed to be re-tuned from time to time”. That conversation set the groundwork for the rest of our marriage. We both committed to hearing from each other and were willing to not only listen but make course corrections as needed with humility and understanding. I often said we had quarterly meetings for re-tuning, haha, but those conversations are what built the depth of our understanding of each other and creating greater vulnerability and intimacy in the relationship.
We were also intentional about spending time together and nurturing our relationship. We didn’t necessarily have set dates (no we didn’t make every Friday night date night), but we paid attention to when it had been a few weeks since we’d spent time together on purpose. Often it would be one week night when we finally fell into bed, looked at each other and said “ I miss you!” , and set a date to just be together.
We also made sure we got away overnight at least one night once a year as long as we didn’t have a nursing baby. It was very often shortly after a baby weaned, we left the kids with a trusted friend or relative and headed out. Once we didn’t have babies anymore we often took an anniversary or special holiday date to step away and enjoy time as adults and best friends.
We even took two very special trips the years of our 40th birthdays and spent an entire week just the two of us. It was absolute bliss to not have to share each other with anyone else and I'm so grateful to have those times to look back on now.
We were also intentional in celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc. in making them special not just for the kids, or from the kids, but also for and from each other. We knew eventually the kids would grow up and we would be faced with just each other again. So we kept up our friendship and dreamed together with anticipation of the days when we could again focus specifically on each other with fewer interruptions.
Most importantly though, we both made the daily choice to love each other, to think and assume the best of each other instead of the worst. We respected each other’s interests, ideas and feelings. We also remembered to encourage more than we criticized and to support instead of tear down. With both of us making each other More Important than ourselves, we both felt important, respected, loved and cared for. (I do want to stress this HAS to be a two way street. A truly intimate and caring relationship has to have give and take from both parties.)
How are you doing at making your spouse feel More Important? Have you found yourself more critical than encouraging? When is the last time you spent time together on purpose, delighted in one another and shared the deep things of your heart? If it’s been awhile, take the time to rekindle what brought you together in the first place. Don’t assume there will be tomorrow. Love them with everything you have today so you have no regrets tomorrow.
