What is intentional parenting? First and foremost it was clear expectations both for the kids, but perhaps more importantly, between Terry and me. We needed to be on the same page first, so we could provide a united front with the kids. We agreed to not contradict the other in front of the kids unless it was a clear conversation that welcomed input. For example, if I told a child they could not have the candy, Terry wouldn’t dismiss my instruction and tell them I was ridiculous and let them have it. We may have had a private conversation later about a decision that was made and if a modification was needed, but we didn’t cast doubt on the authority of either parent in front of the kids.
We were also in agreement with discipline strategies and expectations. We chose to parent with positivity and encouragement whenever we could. I still distinctly remember one day when our oldest was only a few months old, we had gone to lunch or dinner at a restaurant. The baby had been really good and it was a pleasant meal. When Terry put the baby carrier into the car, he was talking to the baby praising him and telling him what a good boy he’d been. I kind of laughed at Terry and said something along the lines of “you know he’s only 2 months old right? He has no idea that he’s been soooo good..LOL” but I also realized that from the very beginning we were choosing to focus on the positives of our kids and were intentional about letting them know our appreciation for them and the things we liked and enjoyed about them.
We also limited our NO to reasons that really mattered. We wanted them to know that when we said no it was for a good reason, not just inconvenience, and needed to be adhered to. I remember this playing out in my mind one afternoon as the kids and I were heading back to the car after playing at the park, and there was a huge mud puddle. My boys were sooooo eager to jump into it! I recall my internal dialogue asking myself why would I say no to this? Were they in nice clothes? No. Did we need to be anywhere else? Nope, we were just heading home for naps. So Ok, it may be inconvenient to have to change them all out of muddy clothes, but why not let them have innocent fun! And so jump in the mud puddle they did.
On the other hand, if they wanted to run off as toddlers and not stay with mommy or daddy, that was a very firm no and discipline if they did so. Because it was dangerous and they needed to know we meant it when we said they needed to stay with mommy and daddy and not run off.
We were firm when needed but it was always with kindness, with the intention to disciple and teach rather than punishing and reacting out of anger. Our kids learned they could trust us to keep our word, not simply in terms of giving them what they want or ask for, but also in terms of protecting and providing boundaries that kept them safe.
We were also intentional about our expectations of the kids. Always being mindful of age appropriate expectations, we expected them to respect us, and the people and things around them. In turn we also were respectful to them, their individual needs, and recognition that they were people given to us to care for, guide and raise, not objects that were somehow ours to own. When I asked one of my teens what they think we did well as parents this was one of the things he mentioned. Respect - them of us and us of them. We respected their opinions, as well as their individual personalities and needs. Respect really is a two way street in any relationship, whether, marriage, friendship and yes, even parents and kids.
Finally, we kept our standards high; not at impossible levels, but high enough they had to stretch a little to reach them. Those were also standards we kept for ourselves as well as our kids. We didn’t ask them to do anything we weren’t willing to do, in terms of working hard, being kind, helping others and learning and modeling self-control. We strove to be examples for them to follow and with Terry’s death, I'm certainly seeing the fruit of that as the kids have stepped up and done exactly as he had shown them and are doing it beautifully.
Terry and I really enjoyed being parents and being teammates together in our parenting. As we intentionally loved one another, we then took that mutual love and respect and poured it out upon our kids. We took each new stage and phase as it came and appreciated it for what it was. We found so much joy and pride in our kids and their individuality and they have truly been our greatest achievement. Our Kids were More Important is certainly something we hope they felt and know as they look back on their years growing up.
