The ocean was calm today. You might think the next thing I’d write is that my soul also is calm, but that isn’t the case. I’ve been a bit stirred up these past weeks. Ok, a lot stirred up!! I've explored the many reasons that could be - school starting back up, the change of seasons, the approach of my anniversary, etc. All of these things likely have a part, but overall, I think my internal struggle is because my life is fundamentally shifting again.
I'm coming into a new place of “being” within myself and what that means. It’s uncomfortable but also exciting. This shift also brings about a lot of emotions to work through, primarily guilt. You see, I'm getting excited about life again, and that is really confusing. I don't ever want people to think I no longer miss Terry or that I’m weirdly grateful for this “experience” of widowhood. Still, there are good and exciting things happening, and it's time to appreciate and celebrate them.
My vision of a future is different than the huge black expanse of nothingness that descended upon me when Terry died. I'm beginning to see legitimate possibilities that are fun and exciting. Attending college has expanded my horizons and already offered opportunities I could never have imagined. I'm being challenged intellectually on so many levels and discovered I had, in fact, been starving for this kind of mental stimulation. Turns out I really can write, and there may even be multiple books in my future! I'm also discovering how much I love researching for those books.
I’m also open to dating and the possibility of a new relationship. This is the scariest part of the change for me. Dating means maybe loving again, and loving again means possibly losing again. I'm also unsure of how to do this. How do I open my heart to someone new while I'm still deeply in love with Terry? How do I balance and consider someone else’s feelings while walking through the mire of my own? At the same time, I miss loving someone. I miss being loved. I miss the companionship that comes only through emotional intimacy with a partner. I know it’s going to be a different sort of challenge, but I think the reward could be worth it. It’s just going to take the right guy who somehow thinks I'm worth the extra challenge and is willing to walk through it with me. I know with certainty Terry would support me in doing this. He would want me to be loved and taken care of since he can’t be here to do it. I just have to convince myself of it!!
So now I'm sure you can see why I'm not quite as calm internally as the ocean was externally today. There’s a lot going on, and my life is beginning to take its own shape, separate from the one I had before. It’s radically different than what I imagined my life would look like just three years ago. It’s pretty crazy how quickly things can change. I'm (literally) writing a new future. Thankfully that future is further away from the darkness of a couple of years ago; it’s one full of excitement and possibilities; and today, even if it’s frightening and complicated, I'm choosing life, light and possibilities.
