For some reason I've struggled against writing about widowhood too much. For one thing I keep thinking I need more time as a widow to write effectively about it, which is rather silly considering I'm pretty certain I'm going to keep learning and evolving in this new role for the rest of my life. Just like everything else, I'm never going to learn all there is to learn about it.
I also don't know if I want this to be the main focus of me and my life. While sudden widowhood is certainly a large part of my life as it goes forward, I'm also a lot more beyond just being a widow, but the reality is, this is the biggest thing in my life right now. I'm sure as life marches forward, other things will take center stage, but right now, the loss of my husband IS center stage.
One of the things I’m struggling with, is how to answer the question of how I’m doing. I feel like there’s pressure, not necessarily from those asking, but from myself, to accurately show the depth of love I have for Terry and the fact that yes, I am still grieving and missing him, but also to show the strength I know I'm walking in as I continue to move forward. It’s a constant internal battle. I was discussing this with a friend the other day. It feels like continued sorrow and many tears are the expected way to manifest the depth of my love, but I can’t live in that state constantly. It’s not healthy for me, or my kids, and quite honestly not everyone needs or deserves my tears. But if I continue to move forward in life, does it mean I don’t care anymore? Does it look outwardly like I'm leaving him behind? That he doesn’t matter anymore? That I've stopped grieving him? That I'm over it? As I talked with my friend, I realized no, the truth is, it’s a testament to my love for him, and his for me, that I continue to move forward, make plans and look to the future. We wanted the best for each other. We talked about what we would do if one of us died, and we set things up financially and intentionally in case the worst happened and one of us did lose the other way too soon. He knew I loved him and ultimately he’s the only one that matters for that knowledge. I also know how much he loved me and would want me and the kids to continue to live a rich and fulfilling life, serving others best we can while we can, loving and being loved. So I walk forward in the confidence of his love. While I move into this new and yes somewhat exciting, if not scary, new life, I do so because I know he will have my back all the way and will be cheering me on more than anyone else. He would want me to carry on and not lose my joy or especially, my compassion for others.
So I choose life. I choose laughter. I choose adventure. I choose service to others. Not because I'm free of him, in fact it's the opposite, instead I carry him with me, always a part of me. His love, along with the Lord's, will strengthen me for the rest of my days here on earth. My love for myself, my kids and the people around me, will be the evidence of my great and never ending love for my husband and his for me.
