As my kids have grown older, and are beginning to move on to college and young adulthood, I’ve been doing alot of soul searching about who and where I want to be when being Mom is no longer an hourly, or even daily part of my identity.
Now with Terry’s unexpected death I’m faced even more intensely with those questions. As I’ve spoken to other women about this, I’m finding it’s a common place for us to find ourselves,here in middle age. We’re in our Mid 40’s, roles are changing, we have more time, perhaps more resources and while we know on one hand, time is short, on the other, we’ve possibly only lived half our lives! When I think of all I’ve done in 40 yrs, married, birthed and almost raised 4 children, volunteered in multiple venues and on various projects, how much more could possibly be ahead of me???
I am thankful that I had begun exploring some of this with Terry before he died, because for those first few months, the future was just a big black hole. Now, however, those ideas and things I started exploring and considering are coming back to me. The first and biggest goal is to get a college degree. When I was young and graduating high school all I wanted in the world was to be a wife and mom. And while I got pretty good grades and took honors and AP classes, I thought a college degree was beyond my reach financially and I would say “ I didn’t want to spend the money on a degree I wouldn’t use”. Well that was obviously foolishness, as it takes a lot of knowledge and intelligence to run a household and parent and homeschool 4 kids!! Now here I am, Widowed, no longer a wife, and my kids quickly growing up and moving on as they should. I am not disappointed in the path I took. It allowed me to meet and fall in love with My Terry, have my amazing kids and I loved (almost) every minute of being home taking care of them and homeschooling them Now it’s time to see what’s next in this life. So first step college. I’ve applied and been accepted at UofM Flint (I will still refuse to wear Blue and Maize….Go Bucks!!) and will pursue an English Lit degree. I love to read and analyze literature, and I figured if I’m going to do this, I’m going to do what I enjoy and the rest, job, opportunities etc will follow.
The other thing I’ve always wanted to do is travel. Obviously Covid is hampering that and I'm not quite in a position to go anywhere for very long yet anyway, but it’s certainly something I can start researching and planning for!! When I was 19 I had the incredible opportunity to accompany my grandmother and uncles to Singapore and Malaysia to attend my Uncle Gary’s wedding to my now Aunt Chow Meng. The trip was extraordinary. I got to see and experience an entirely different culture than my own. Seeing and smelling and tasting things unavailable here in North America was exhilarating and the impact all those things made on me has not been diminished or gone away. They continue to feed my desire to see and experience even more. So I guess i want to be an explorer and traveler!! I want to learn and experience what other people think, and feel and experience. I want to know what’s Important to other people? I'm especially excited for the Lord to show me how People outside of my current culture, country, experience and sphere of Influence are More Important than my assumptions, biases and personal comforts.
I also have a new purpose that I couldn’t have conceived of when dreaming with Terry, and that is to somehow have an opportunity to minister to other widows. I have some thoughts and ideas I'm beginning to put on paper. It’ll be up to the Lord as to when and how it will be implemented. So what about you? Are you finding yourself in a new, unfamiliar, unexpected place, with an opportunity to try or learn new things? What dreams do you have for yourself and how can you make them a reality?
